Song of water and fire

The truth is, I’ve been in a bad mood for weeks.

Waking up with an inexplicable crossness each morning, as if there were two sides to my bed and it was even possible to have a ‘wrong side’. And if I’m not angry, I’m sad, and tired. Can’t open my eyes, can’t wake up, can’t get going – don’t want to. I’m a person who wakes up and leaps out of bed, but lately, I feel as though I could sleep for days. Never a daysleeper, now I want to crawl under my desk for an afternoon nap, collapse onto the sofa and curl into a ball.

Monday morning. And yeah, I love Mondays, I truly do. Back to the studio, full of ideas for the week, making my list, planning my week. This morning though? Meh.

Let’s forget work for the moment. Instead – two cards, from Thea’s Tarot – a new deck I’m just getting to know.

I use my two-card cross: problem + solution.

theas-tarot-2

All quoted text is from She Is Sitting in the Night: Revisioning Thea’s Tarot by Oliver Pickle, recently published by Metonomy Press.

Cup Amazon + Ace of Wands

Problem: Cup Amazon.

This card allows the restless energy of the Amazon to be directed towards an exploration of the inner world.

For the past month, that’s been the aim. To centre; specifically to heart-centre. Acknowledging the usual by-pass that happens within me – the gut idea straight to the logical brain and then – action. I wanted to re-wire, to re-route via the heart. To get that water, that heart, those cups, right there in the mix.

I’m seeing a herbalist at the moment. Co-incidentally (or rather, not,) I’ve been taking a particular concoction for one month, designed to cool that fire and re-route my energy via my heart. To slow me down so I can feel what I’m feeling – the good and the bad in there together. This is a process, month one in a process. Emotions are swirling. I’m angry, sad, tired. I feel resistant, I want to quit.

It may not be a blank stare – it could be a dreamer’s gaze. It could also be an internal gaze.

The Amazon corresponds to the Knight in traditional decks. A person without the maturity to handle their suit – so all or nothing, obsessive. Unready. It’s not so much that I don’t need water, as that I don’t know how to work with it when I do get it.

theas-tarot

Solution: Ace of Wands.

Seriously? A re-birth of the very element I’m working to overcome, to control?

Sometimes people are scared of fire’s symbolism, but if you pull this card, it’s going to hit you whether you fear it or not. In fact, the card is suggesting that you open yourself up to it, because it is going to come rushing at you: the roar of a wild new relationship, an idea finally cracking into reality, your ardour for life revived.

As I read those words, I tear up. That’s the familiar energy I miss, the way I love to be, the way I get shit done. I gaze at the figure on the Ace of Wands, eyes closed, dancing, gull of flame and potential – and I think ‘I want you back’.

She is ready for things, and they are just pouring in, calling for her to grab onto them. She is strong and aware, and full of passion, but also open to change. She has faith that things will work out and is not afraid of what will happen next.

Photo 29-06-2015 14 30 06

Yep, this is just a teeny tiny bad mood Monday morning reading. But the insight is clear and helpful. This heart-centring process and the emotions it’s bringing up is good, but I’m nowhere near able to handle things yet. This is a process and I’m still immature. In typical Knight (Amazon) fashion, I’ve been black and white about it – taking away the fire that fuels me in the hope of becoming more in touch. But fire is part of who I am.

I spoke to the herbalist, we talked through much of what’s been coming up this month. A tweak to my mixture so as not to quell the fire. I’m comforted. It’s okay to feel this way, Meanwhile, keep breathing, keep paying attention. Slowing down doesn’t have to mean grinding to a halt.

 

12 comments

  1. I’ve been going through something similar. Welcoming water (big long thing, can email you if you want). I’m all fire, and it’s taken me so long to realize I don’t have to be a bonfire all the time. I can smolder. I can be steady. I can dance. Fire does so many things, if we allow it, you know?

    • Beth
      Beth says:

      Hey you big ol’ Saggitarius, thanks for stopping by! That’s interesting you’re going through a similar thing. For me, it’s like my 30s are this time where I am learning a different kind of fire – as you say, not being a bonfire all the time (or in my case, not being a bomb all the time!) But I’ve found it hard to take a balanced approach…it’s been like ‘okay, so no fire. Only water and earth.’ Nope, that’s not gonna work either….

      • anemonerosie says:

        How do you know what element you are? As in, what makes you determine that you’re a fire sign? Is it zodiac? Is it by card? Is it by how you relate to the cards? How do you *know* what element is the one that you’re most akin to?

        Does that help to explain?

        • Beth
          Beth says:

          Oh yeah – I see, thanks for explaining!
          Astrologically, I’m an Aquarius (air) with Leo (fire) rising. Which I really identify with. But it’s more that I can feel it in my gut. I’ve been aware forever that I’m kinda sparky and energetic, that I get ideas and just *do* them without pause. And burn up fast, feeling untamed a lot of the time. Discovering those elemental words (through tarot and recently, astrology) has helped me to articulate this stuff.

          If you’re interested in finding out which elements you are astrologically, check out Astro DIY, you’ll find some easy-to-follow lessons for figuring out your birth chart and the elements that are the strongest for you there.

          And for info about the four elements in the four suits of tarot, try this post.

          Also, I have these beautiful four elements pendants, which I created because of *all of this*.

          Hope this helps! xxx

  2. Tango says:

    We have the same sun, moon, & rising elements (air, fire, & earth respectively). It’s been really interesting and enlightening reading along while you fired off on your adventure, decided you need to ground yourself, and now you’re working on connecting with your watery bits. That’s all been paralleled in my life, which is very odd and yet somehow soothing. Basically, I want to say thank you for sharing these personal readings.

    • Beth
      Beth says:

      Thank you Tango. It’s an interesting process… I’m glad to have elemental language to help me describe what’s going on. Interesting that you’re going through a parallel thing! Hope it’g going okay xxxx

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