For the past week, I’ve held tonight’s full moon as a goal, a turning point, a moment when.
A moment when what? A decision? A declaration? A statement of intent?
And now here it is. And here am I. Mid-way through another lunar cycle, wondering what on earth is going on in my life and how willing I am to participate.
A tarot reading I did last week. I read the Seven of Swords and Strength as everything that I hold back, this ‘biding of time’, this intention to put only love into the land and to keep a lid on what is difficult. I read the Seven of Wands as encouragement towards honesty and truth.
I’ve written obscurely about my current situation, for good reason. I live in a small community, with real people. All of us are on our own journeys. It is not for me to describe those journeys and put them online for the world to read. All I can talk about right now is what’s happening within me.
There are different ways of framing my current situation. Crucially, it is a situation I willingly chose and a situation from which I have the resources to free myself.
On the one hand, I’m ‘homeless’, working full-time for free and in an incredibly challenging environment with some amazing but unpredictable people. I haven’t felt entirely safe since moving here. My dreams are beyond weird. I swing between wanting to scream and run away… and this idea that this challenge is seriously worth facing.
On the other hand, I live in literally the most beautiful place I have ever been. The energy of the rocks, the mountains, the sea and the trees is more powerful than any human, and trumps the day-to-day in an instant. There is the potential here to do something deeply fulfilling, to build the kind of life I have dreamed of but never known how. To push loving roots down into the rocks and peat and anchor myself and find my own version of safety.
Ultimately, this is about faith. The ‘official’ commitment I have made is to be here, working, discovering, putting in all that I can and discovering all that I can, for the summer season. Some days that seems realistic and a simple way to exchange willing labour for a roof, a bed, and the time to find out if here can truly be home. Other times it feels like a trap, and I feel overwhelmed by the shortness of life and the urgency Em and I feel to root and commit. Can I spare another few months, just to listen, just to observe? Isn’t there just too much to do? (No, I’ve never been known for my patience.)
When I came here in January, I declared my intention to let the earth speak. To see the land through its seasons. And you know, this is the easy part. Day after day, week after week, the woodland changes, the wild herb gardens grow and grow, the sea and the tides and the birds move through their seasonal shifts. I record it all with my eyes and my ears, forage, taste, and let it all speak to me. Letting the land speak is easy, and is the inevitable privilege of having a base here.
What’s hard, and where my impatience cries out, is in letting the people speak. The human energy that sits on top of this land, forming a barrier, a membrane. It is in no way greater than the energy of the land – no way at all – but it is far more accessible, and unavoidable. It is in the walls and the cultivated parts of this place, it is in the air and the human spaces. Can I handle this energy? Do I want to? Will it be worth it?
On this rollercoaster so far, I’ve been unable to commit. Emma found it necessary to perform a grounding ritual, and felt herself change for the better after that. I couldn’t bring myself to root, for fear that those roots might get damaged. It is the first time in my life I have held back for fear of being hurt.
Full moons are powerful moments of fulfillment and Mars is at an important moment of its own retrograde cycle, making this a full moon to take note of in terms of what we are doing with our energy, our desire, our rage, our power and the potent weapons we can be.
Make way for it. Make room for it. Make no excuses for your bad behavior. Own up to it. Try to use your Mars towards something noble. Be your own Heroine. Be your own savior. Come to your own rescue.
Under tonight’s full moon I want to put everything on the table. To own my responsibilities and acknowledge the edges of those responsibilities. To be clear about what I want, and to make a full commitment to a choice. It’s time. I can’t hang here in limbo.
I am strong enough to ride out these storms for another few months, strong enough to take the possibility of disappointment. And I have enough faith to be willing to see what is on the other side and to hope that it might be what I’m looking for.