Tonight’s new moon is in the sign of Taurus.
Cue the sharing of many articles on the topic of security, comfort, grounding. The building or strengthening of foundations. Investing in your home, and/or your career. I love to read other people’s lunar musings, pondering the degree to which I personally relate. This time around, I really do, in the sense that all this talk of ‘home’ and ‘security’ reminds me of what I crave more than anything.
Two years ago, I performed a ritual for this Taurus new moon. I was travelling in the States, and ready to come home, but I knew I had to do something with all that I had learned about transience and movement on that trip. I had been feeling a powerful shift, elementally, towards earth; a strong desire for rootedness and security, to feel grounded.
My ritual focused on letting go of old ways, the elements of air and fire that had thus far characterised my life, to allow something different to come through. It was a recognition of and thanksgiving to the role fire and air had played in my journey so far, and a welcoming in of a new, more earthy, more grounded era of my life.
I think back to that ritual often. Though I didn’t know it at the time, that elemental shift allowed me to acknowledge a desire I have always felt deep down. It set in motion a search that has been taking place ever since.
The search for a home.
I am looking for a place where I can put down some roots, invest myself in land and community. Where I can carve out a creative space for myself and remember that I have hobbies and curiosities beyond the small and portable. Hell, I’m looking for a place where I can unpack. Use my old cups and plates again, put my books on a shelf, decorate a home with the boxes of special things, memories, creations I’ve not seen for years. The frustrating irony is that I’ve spent most of the two years since making that decision in motion, in insecure housing, living out of bags and boxes. Each space has been a sanctuary for which I am immensely grateful, but at the same time, a stop-gap.
I swing between a feeling of abundance (because it’s impossible not to feel this, surrounded by the sea and mountains of Skye and the friendship and support of this beautiful community, and because I actively seek out that feeling, too) and one of lack (because I crave more than anything a stable base to stand upon). And because I want always to cultivate an attitude of abundance, when I encounter that sense of lack, I fight it, and feel guilty, and tangle myself up in knots. I wonder if other folks out there feel the same? Immense gratitude for the richness in your life, but a nagging awareness of one ‘thing’ you’re missing. And, perhaps, guilt for not feeling ‘whole’. Because so much in this weird world of self-help is about learning that we are whole and complete just as we are.
It’s great to feel abundance. It’s okay, too, to acknowledge an unfulfilled need.
As a tarot reader, I often receive questions from people who are looking for the missing piece, something to make them feel complete. Often, the cards do remind us that a person is whole already, that they contain everything they need, right there within themselves. That there is nothing ‘missing’. And that is a beautiful message, of course.
Other times, the cards bear witness to what that person is ‘lacking’. I find tarot to be relentlessly pragmatic and sometimes ‘you are already whole’ just doesn’t cut it. Sometimes it’s actually about acknowledging what’s missing in our lives, and either accepting its impossibility, or working to manifest that thing.
I read my horoscope from Chani Nicholas. This week’s was an affirmation:
I use Wednesday’s new moon to make my home a space that affirms who I am and who I am healing myself into becoming. I build altars to love in every room. I bless every corner with my attention so that no space remains unknown.
I felt a stab in my chest; this expresses so closely what I long to do. Oh, the indulgence of expressing oneself though a home! To decorate, nest, invest. To bless one’s home and luxuriate in simply being in it, being held within it. Chani’s words scratched at that feeling of lack that is strong today, under this new moon.
Then I read the next line:
And I I carry my home in my heart so that wherever I am in the world, I am always at home.
Always home. Always whole. I get it. I do. Em and I spoke this week about the possibility that my coming to Skye wasn’t about finding a home at all, but rather, sorting out a few other puzzle pieces that needed putting into place before a home could be found. I’m still untangling and finding space for those pieces, but I’m pretty sure that this is right. Skye has taught me so much about what I want and need in life. Whether I stay or move on, those lessons will remain. They will help to shape the home that I eventually find. They will form its foundations.
I’m ready for some real-life manifesting.
This new moon in Taurus, I want to work with my need for a sturdy foundation. I want to focus on real manifestation. I want to consolidate all that I’ve learned in these years of apparent limbo, so that I can declare myself ready to build solid foundations. I’m ready to stand still and push my toes down into the earth, learn its magic, it’s history, it’s chemistry. I’m ready to create a home.